The best thing I never had

•05/31/2019 • 2 Comments

I was asked by someone how I came to choose my username, if it was “just because it’s a paradox” and I told him no, that it referred to a girl in my past. I told him it was a story I’d have to find. I couldn’t find it, so I rewrote it:

There was this girl I went to high school with and I was in a class with her. She was the top tier in the class and I was the 2nd tier so our section was directly behind hers. I had a huge crush on this girl. Let’s call her Nicole. Long straight brown hair, lightly olive skin, a pretty face with a beautiful smile that she rarely let out. She chose to cover up a lot. Bulky sweaters and long pants, anything to hide her figure, but she wasn’t fat and had a nice rack, just most people wouldn’t be able to see it.

I was so very attracted to this girl. I had a huge crush on her, but she treated me like a 2nd class citizen. Her and her friend would tease me, sometimes outright ridiculing me, and generally look down on me, despite us having other classes together and supposedly being sorta friends. It was a strange dynamic and so I tried to just let it roll off my shoulders. There was plenty to get me down in high school and I was used to girls not being into me or even teasing/insulting me from time to time (you know how girls can get together and be meant to people. They’ve got the social value so there’s not much to do but just ignore it and move on.

I went through all of high school like this. There were other girls I had crushes on, but this one was the one I had the strongest crush on by far. At some point she grew out of her ugly duckling phase and started to dress in tighter clothing. She even joined the cheerleading squad. I think she saw herself as the black sheep of the cheerleading squad but she was still far more popular than when she’d worn all the dumpy/covered up clothing. Now others saw how attractive she was, but she was still fairly resigned and kept to herself and her long-time friends. She was friends with other people but it seemed she wasn’t that comfortable with the popular kids overall.

I’d forgotten about her at some point after high school when I was dating my 2nd gf, but at some point I started hanging out with the mutual friend (who’d become less of a bitch overall). So much so that I introduced the mutual friend to a guy who would become her eventual husband. We’d all hang out and do nerdy shit like play video games and watch cult movies or tv series. I’d bring my gf to these because she knew and liked them. At some point Nicole started hanging out with the group, invariably never single. We’d tease each other a bit and I had some newfound confidence. I didn’t think at all that she was interested though, as she always had a boyfriend and besides, why would she be attracted to me? She had never given any indication that I picked up on.

At some point after my 2nd gf broke up with me, I was fairly distraught. Nicole had come in and out of my friend group a couple times and she never seemed to have a stable life. I enjoyed seeing her when she was around but didn’t think much of it as she could be gone the next few months just as easily as not. Somehow we connected and she came to visit me. I was a blubbering sobbing mess as I recounted how my relationship had ended and how much I cared for my ex-gf and well…it wasn’t pretty and it’s embarrassing now to think about it. Supremely beta.

She introduced me to a band who at the time was not popular in the USA but now is supremely popular and successful. They were a bit sappy so listening to them fit right in with how I was feeling. Looking back, my vulnerability probably attracted her somehow as she’d had plenty of fucked up things happen in her life and she’d made some serious mistakes..but luckily hadn’t got hit with too many consequences. At some point she’d gotten pregnant and had a kid but didn’t look like she’d had any kids at all. We talked a lot that day and somehow we got on the topic of high school and dating and I admitted to her that I’d had a HUGE crush on her in high school.

She said no way I had a huge crush on YOU in high school and we both just kinda sat there shocked at this revelation. How was it possible we’d both been so into each other and neither of us knew it up until that point? No matter, she had been dating a guy off and on and I had just been broken up with and a blubbery mess. We admitted to each other we were still attracted to each other and I guess that gave us some comfort but we both knew nothing was going to happen at that point. She ended up disappearing for a while again and I shrugged and moved on with my life.

I was working next door to a place that worked on car stereos or something and she called me out of the blue and asked me about it. I told her yeah and she said she was picking up her boyfriend’s car there so we ended up meeting up around the corner from there in a parking garage where we ended up talking for a long time. She was unhappy with her boyfriend, I was single, we eventually started talking about how attracted we were to each other. I could tell she wanted me to kiss her but I didn’t. At some point she was leaning against the car and I said something like, “you know, I just want to…” while letting my whole body fall forward and I stopped myself slamming my hands into the body of the car short of kissing her.

This made her jump and even my dumbass no real game self could tell that she was super excited by that, turned on. She turned a deep red and she said she was scared I was going to kiss her. I told her no, not yet. We went for a walk up to the top of the parking garage and I ended up taking the elevator down with her. I cornered her in the elevator and put my hands out to each wall. I eyed her up and down (now I know this is called “eye-fucking”) and then grabbed her hips, dropped down to a squat, sniffed deep her pussy scent, feeling her crotch super wet through her thin pants/leggings. I eventually pulled us out of the elevator and cut it off before I made out with her because she was crazy wanting to kiss me but begging me not to (as she had a bf).

She told me she couldn’t see me anymore, but we kept in touch here and there. Eventually another mutual friend had a wedding. I invited my hot peruvian neighbor. I knew she’d be there. She was with her boyfriend and looked good. My peruvian neighbor really dressed to the nines and was looking pretty amazing. The ceremony was nice, but at the reception I walked up to my table to realize that Nicole and her boyfriend had been assigned the seats directly next to us. We pretended we were just friends from high school and made chit chat but when the peruvian was gone and her boyfriend too, she leaned over and said “wow, is that your girl?” and I just said “she’s a friend” and she said “well she’s gorgeous.”

When they returned we pretended again to know each other but not. The peruvian was sharp though, she picked up on it despite our solid efforts to hide it. She said, “you know this girl likes you…did you guys date?” and I said no, but admitted to her that we had both been really into each other but always something in the way. She said, “you should pursue her, her boyfriend really? Like, this guy?” and I laughed and played it off. Went to the dance floor later and chopped it up with friends having a great time, Nicole watching from the table, drinking the rare drink. She ended up pretty drunk that night as she hadn’t drank in a long time. Her boyfriend had to bring the car around and walk her to it.

After that night we got together a few times and talked intensely. She was torn as she had a boyfriend but wasn’t really all that happy necessarily. They weren’t having sex or anything as she was religious and so was he. I got the feeling they didn’t even kiss passionately really. She was born again, I imagine he was a virgin or had low experience. He was successful and stable and willing to help raise her kid and get married I imagine.

She loved driving the coast along where I lived at this point. One night she called me and said she was nearby so I met her in a parking lot around the corner from where I lived. We talked, she was missing me. I walked her over to my house as it was cold and we sat on the couch. I probably made her hot tea. We talked in between embracing and eventually she ended up snuggled up against me. I would kiss her hair, her cheek, her neck, but stop short of her lips.

Her lips. She had freckles on her face. Not a ton, but enough. She’d always been ashamed of them and attempted to cover them up with makeup. She had some freckles on her lips too which she’d also always tried to cover up with lip gloss or lipstick. She only had chapstick on this night and hadn’t put any makeup/concealer/whatever on. She had that radiant youthful glow, her lips looked amazing. It was a little too much, a little too close, she excused herself to go use the restroom.

She walked away from me down the length of the couch then as she turned around the end and started walking back across the back of the couch and passed by me something came over me. I reached out with my arm simultaneously stopping her and quickly bringing her over the back of the couch and into my lap where I laid one on her and we passionately kissed. She tasted amazing, her lips soft, full, and freckled. For some reason they made her even more attractive. We didn’t stop kissing for a while. She was wet, I was rock hard. I pulled away and looked at her. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.

I started to make out with her, to slowly seduce her, but she couldn’t wait. As quickly/deftly as I’d somehow stopped her and whisked her into my lap over the back of the couch, she now pushed me down, undid my belt, and was giving me the best blowjob of my life. Her beautiful lips, her pretty smile, her hands and mouth working in concert, I couldn’t have lasted even if I’d wanted to. I came long and hard, she didn’t stop swallowing completely as I shuddered in sensitive ecstasy. She came up and laid her head on my shoulder and I ran my hands through her hair catching my breath.

When I’d relaxed a bit I tried to continue to turn her on and have sex and she wanted to, but she wouldn’t. She was shuddering at my touch but couldn’t bring herself to do it. We talked some more about life and how we got there and then she said she had to go and went. Soon after I came home (or to my car, can’t remember which) and she’d written me a letter. In it she talked about a lot of things but I only remember really the one thing at the end. She didn’t want me to think that she regretted the time we’d spent together and she wasn’t going to continue with her boyfriend, but that she couldn’t be with me. That despite her knowing in her heart that I was a good man, that it wasn’t enough…she wanted to be with a man of god.

It stung. I knew it was a small chance we’d ever be together despite our SUPER INTENSE connection, but it still hurt. It hurt deeply. How could this be? She’d not been perfect, neither had I, but she couldn’t be outside the church as she needed that path despite having deviated from it. I simply did not understand, though. I didn’t lie to her or try to pursue her any further. In fact, I simply didn’t talk to her anymore beyond that. That moment further cemented my pursuit of game. I eventually found the red pill dispensed amongst various places on the internet and slowly learned, increasing my social skills, game, and networking. I improved myself. I moved on.

She would remain, “The best thing I never had.”

Breath hold/Relaxation

•04/25/2016 • 2 Comments

Posted as a comment on Riv’s post here, thought I’d toss it up here.  A while ago I took a breath hold course:


You can let things go with breathing, too. You can hold your breath AND be relaxed at the same time. I know. I’ve done it.

A minute and I thought I could do more.

2 minutes and I thought I might not make it much further.

3 minutes and I thought I was going to go into convulsions, but I relaxed more.

4 minutes and I thought this must be it. I was going to spasm or pass out.

Beyond 4 minutes and the convulsions began I thought I could do no more than another 10 seconds, maybe 15. Relax self.

4 and a half minutes and I went a little zen. I was so far beyond what I thought I could accomplish, only seconds left and I’d inhale.

Approaching 5 minutes and I wasn’t going to make it. That’s okay I thought and I relaxed even further.

Just past the 5 minute mark and I raised my head up and I savored a breath.

I’ll remember that moment for the rest of my life. It was like being reborn.


•04/22/2016 • 1 Comment

I was watching a female friend of mine (I’d put her at about a 7, some might put her higher) swiping on Tinder the other night.

It was nuts. She rarely swiped right and the sheer speed with which she made a decision was nuts. Only very rarely would she look at a second picture, much less any of the text in the profile. I couldn’t believe how many fit, good looking guys she was turning down and the rate of speed that she was swiping at. Good god it was a choking on the red pill moment.

Now, this chick would almost certainly want to date me if I were available, but here she is swiping no like a machine gun set on burst to a ton of guys surely making more money than me, more attractive than me, and in significantly better shape than me. Just goes to show you that game and social proof as well as meeting a girl in person are huge factors.

I still kind of shake my head thinking about watching her that night.

First Threesome Request

•04/19/2016 • 1 Comment

I was out with a beta male friend and two girls I know. One old/cougar status and the other young/tall/fairly hot that digs me but knows I have a girl. We were at some crappy dive bar and I was getting kind of drunk. I was making fun of the people doing karaoke and people-watching with the girls. At one point I’m discussing with the cougar the one fairly attractive girl in the place and how she totally wants some dick tonight.

The cougar agrees and then for some reason I get it in my head that I should try to convince her to go over to the girl and ask her if she’s have a threesome with us. Just for the fun of it. The cougar laughs her ass off and says no way. She says, “you go do it” thinking that there’s no way I will. A lightbulb goes off in my head. “Why the fuck not?” I think to myself.

I walk over to the girl, she’s sitting down with her friends but it’s loud enough I don’t even think they could hear us. I go massively direct by simply motioning to my cougar friend and saying to her, “Hey my girl thinks you’re hot, why don’t you have a threesome with us?” knowing that this will fail. She looks at me, shocked and kind of doesn’t know what to say, but eventually says “no I can’t” and I just ask her “are you sure? I think you’d enjoy yourself” and she confirms that she can’t.

It was a fun approach and I purposely went so direct just to see what her reaction would be and because I didn’t want to waste time really trying to get a positive answer from her as I wasn’t serious about it and I wanted to leave soon anyway.

The cougar was totally surprised I approached the girl so directly and was impressed. The other female friend of mine was also impressed (and probably turned on) and we ended up heading out the door shortly thereafter, but not before I felt like there were eyes boring through the back of my skull and I turned to see that same chick I asked about the threesome giving me the “fuck I want this guy” eyes. Our eyes connected and I smirked before turning and heading out into the night.

It’s incredible what you can ask outright. I wonder had I spent the time/effort to make the approach and ultimate question less jarring I might’ve had a pretty receptive girl. I’m sure I could’ve picked her up, but after that I’m beginning to think I had a small change to actually swing a threesome.

I’ve never even hinted at a threesome before to a girl (even when genuinely interested in it) so this was great fun.

I just remembered that earlier in the night when we were eating dinner with others I started out the bold-socializing by sitting next to a girl when her date went to the bathroom. My table and I had been people-watching and debating whether they were on a first date from a dating site or not. I plopped myself down next to the girl and grilled her and the guy came back crazy fast (and gave the appearance that he was a bit irked that I was sitting down next to his “friend”). I disarmed him not even explaining why I was there but segueing directly into some locals-style banter about that days really good discount/special of which neither had any clue. They thanked me for the tip and I made my exit. My table was surprised I’d just gone up to the girl when he was gone and surprised that I handled his return fairly effortlessly.

Moral of the story is go approach!

Feeling Good

•10/12/2015 • 1 Comment

My posts are going to be boring here for a while until I get into the swing of things (and then they’ll be slightly less boring):


Fairly tired today.  Managed to play nearly 4 hours of beach volleyball over the weekend before working multiple gigs.  I was ill and my aerobic ability has been severely hampered but I finished my medicine and was feeling much better, although definitely not 100%.  I thought I might’ve overdone it, but I think I stopped in time to let my body recover.  My last gig was actually really easy, got paid for 4 hours and only worked about an hour and a half, plus we got fed a gourmet meal and I got a couple cocktails.


I felt decent enough to go meet up with some friends, dance with the girls, and have a cold beer.  Then I went home and got some decent sleep last night after falling asleep on the couch while watching a recording of the latest Donald Trump rally.  Not because he bores me, quite the opposite, but I was just totally relaxed and tired which was a recipe for passing out.  This morning after a righteous shit I jumped on my longboard and cruised over to get a hot coffee in my travel mug (cheap “refills” when you bring your own mug) and some breakfast to go.


Got into the office early and worked on my planning for a future dive competition.  Really excited for that as it’ll be a big challenge to even land any significant number of fish.  I don’t have much of a shot at doing well in the competition, but it’ll be great experience and I really think my teammates are going to be fun to dive with.  It’ll also cement my requirements for joining the dive club so by next voting session I’ll have a solid chance to get in.  I’m a little concerned about being in shape enough for the competition since we won’t be able to use a boat, but I should be healthy enough by then and I’m going to do my best to maximize my sleep in the time before the competition so I’m fully rested before I’m in the water toughing it out.


Oh, and when I went and danced with the girls, one of them is back in town visiting after having moved away.  I saw her at the bar ordering a drink when I first walked in, so I rolled up next to her in my work outfit (definitely dressy and I know I look sharp and overdressed for this place) and bumped her shoulder.  She turned, looked at me and then did a double take realizing she knew me and you could just about see the moment she became incredibly turned on.  Even the hot female bartenders were stealing glances at me.  This girl was just astonished at how good I looked (I’d seen her over the weekend at the beach covered in hat/sunglasses and heavy sunscreen and she barely recognized me then).  All the girls were loving how I looked (it felt pretty good I have to say) but this girl from out of town was practically ready to rape me and then backed off saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know you have a girlfriend.”


Pretty entertaining, had a good time dancing.  I need to get in good shape and update my wardrobe some more so that this is more of a regular occurrence.  Even if I do have a gf, there’s no reason to not have her know full well how much in demand I am (or can be).


How was your guy’s weekend?

New Speargun

•10/09/2015 • Leave a Comment

So a while back I won a pretty nice speargun that’s longer and thus better for me to shoot pelagic fish with.  I figured out I really should exchange it for a slightly longer model so that I can use it dual-purpose for small/middle size pelagics and also for bigger game fish when I work my way up to those, so I can grow into the gun.  Also, I could use a slip tip type setup and a reel so I talked to someone I know who helps run the company and she arranged for me to exchange the gun and only pay the difference between this speargun and the longer one.  I also got the gun setup with appropriate slip tip and rigging and got it all at a heavy discount from retail, paying no labor for the setup.  Got to check out the manufacturing facilities and meet the attractive receptionist too.  She was digging me too which is always nice.


Also recently I was able to borrow a kayak for an upcoming competition and went to a local dive shop to get my shortest gun setup with new bands/hardware so I can be better prepared for the competition.  I know I won’t have really any chance at placing, but I’ll be able to dive with good divers and it will be invaluable experience as well as checking something off my list.  I can’t wait for the competition and to get my new gun in the water.


I want to dive more, swim more, and get into a routine of hitting the weights every week.  I’ve got some serious body fat going right now and I need to strengthen my core, it’s so weak right now.  Girlfriend is going okay, but I need to improve other areas of my life and take a trip with her, I’ve been neglecting her a bit and I think it’s gonna affect things negatively soon if I don’t get on top of my game.

Cougar City

•06/01/2015 • 6 Comments

Recently I went out to meet up with an older lady who was visiting before and is now back in town after a long absence.  My other buddy had some older ladies with him and was trying to play the pimp as he usually does (he usually fails).  An older lady friend of mine comes over to join the group rather late so I tease her and have a good time hanging out eating some food and having a beer.

She teases me back and asks me when she can get another shoulder massage and that immediately reminded me that when I did give her a massage I made her get me a beer for it.  I tossed that fact back her way and she said she was totally down so with a fresh free beer on the table in front of me on the patio I worked on her shoulders and neck/upper back.

Like this except she had a bikini top under an open shoulder shirt and was sitting:


Almost immediately I had the drunkies at the table ooh’ing and joking about what I was doing to her as some of it could look wrong or be misinterpreted.  I laughed them off and continued.  The comments turned from lighthearted/joking to requests to be next in line.  I countered that they’d need to buy me a drink first, my hands aren’t free.  Her friend kept telling people “oh wow, can you imagine how he could make you feel inside?  Can you imagine what he’d be like in bed?” before grabbing onto my arms.

This led to a bunch of naughty joking with the cougars my buddy had invited and eventually the one cougar practically offering up her college age daughter to me.  The same daughter that when I’d met them both prior she told me to keep away from her daughter.  Now that she saw my mastery she actually encouraged me.  Very strange.

If the things with Salty Spice weren’t still going damn well, I’d have taken her up on her offer.  The daughter is smoking hot/in shape, smart, and younger to boot.

I rather enjoyed my “free drinks” and being “the man” within that patio/restaurant/bar.