Friends Fucking Up – Should You Tell/Confront Them?

I was going to write a quick comment on Kenny’s post, but then it started getting pretty long, so here’s the response.  Make sure to read his post first.  My thoughts below.

I disagree and here’s why:

Don’t tell your friend he’s fucking up:
Pros: You don’t have to spend any time talking about it. You stay uninvolved, so minimal effort on your part. Your friend is likely to remain your friend.
Cons: You don’t tell him how you truly feel. This is not honest to yourself and not honest to your friend. Further, your friend doesn’t have the chance to benefit from your opinion/advice. Your friend is definitely not going to stop the behavior and now you have a friend (who is in your life) that can negatively affect your life.

Do tell your friend he’s fucking up:
Pros: You’re honest to yourself and to your friend. You have a chance to help your friend and in turn positively affect your life.
Cons: You have to spend some effort/time explaining to your friend what’s up. You may lose your friend. If you lose your friend over him fucking up that bad and you being honest with him and yourself about it…is it really a con?

So, my conclusion is that you should tell him, but only tell him once and don’t waste a bunch of time if he doesn’t want to listen. If he tries to waste your time or negatively impact your life, cut off all contact with him.

I’ve had multiple friends fuck up in their lives and some are out of my life and some are in (recovered). The best part about it is that I know I did the right thing by me and by my friend. Otherwise, what kind of friend is he that I won’t put in a few minutes to tell him he’s fucking up?

I’ve even had an intervention for a friend who was in an obsessive relationship with a girl. Did he realize his mistakes? No, not til later, but it was really important that I drew my line in the sand and while he may not ever understand it, I avoided living with him again by telling him that crazy bitch was not allowed in my house. He later had to call the cops on her at his new place because she poured syrup all over the carpets and water in every single electronic thing he owned (including all his computers).

I’ve had friends that tell me I’m fucking up. I’ve not always agreed with them, but usually I respect them for telling me the truth and our friendship has grown stronger. I’ve learned a lot from my friends that cut to the chase. My closest family members are those that tell it how it is. Many of these family members are not liked by others for this fact. Fuck em.

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~ by aneroidocean on 05/23/2012.

9 Responses to “Friends Fucking Up – Should You Tell/Confront Them?”

  1. tell them they are screwing up, but only explain them why / how only if they care. dont waste your time.

  2. What prevents me from telling a friend when he’s fucking up is a sense of letting ppl learn on their own.

    Meaning,I don’t want at the end of the day,I get viewed in a bad light(by the friend)by giving advice which the friend view as contrary to his.

    I rather avoid the whole headache of getting involved.

    • Yeah, I understand what you’re saying, but:

      Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself. -Eleanor Roosevelt

  3. BTW,the only how I’d advise is if the friend actually comes to me with his situation.

    But if I hear via mutual friends that he’s been caught up in a ONE-itis trap,I’m not gonna advise him.Only if he seeks my opinion.

    And then I wouldn’t even tell him what to do.I’d tell him what I would do.Not what he should do.

    Ppl don’t take advice well.

    • You didn’t say anything about hearing it through mutual friends, but I think that Yohami’s take is probably the best. You should mention it, but you shouldn’t go into it further unless they ask and want to genuinely know why you think so and what your advice is for not screwing up.

  4. My take is to go to the lengths they’re worth.

    Most people I wouldn’t say anything.
    Friend’s I’d tell them once.
    Great friends (I have maybe 4 or 5) are people I’d explain without being prompted, once.

    After that, its their problem.

  5. People in general don’t like hearing the truth, especially if it goes against what they want to believe.

    I don’t know how men are about receiving a dose of reality from a friend. But, for instance, if you tell a woman the awful truth about her man, you’re going to lose her as a friend.

  6. It depends on the person but my best experiences have occurred when I told them but picked the moment carefully.

    I’m a pretty low-key, big picture guy but my main niche is in the rave/electronica scene of my city so a lot of my good friends are very outgoing and highly impulsive people that tend to do instead of think so I have a wealth of experience confronting them. I usually wait until right before things hit the wall and then give them my take. The trick is to act as concerned as possible. Can’t recall where I saw it (I think Roissy) but I once read somewhere that “attack provokes defense but concern provokes questioning” and it’s a good motto to follow. If it spoils the friendship, I just chalk it up to Fate and move on.

  7. It’s hard to accept the truth and give it sometimes. I’ve been on both sides of this fence.

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