Bad Dates

I was reading 25ToFly’s latest post which describes an awkward first date and since my belly is pleasantly hot from the Jameson shot I just took, I thought I’d post about my worst first date:

So I’d been trying a popular free dating site and as is normal with these sites, the quality of people can be pretty out there.  As a man, it took a lot of effort to search, contact, and ultimately hear no response from MOST of the women I found attractive.  I got crappy responses, until I cut apart my profile to the absolute bare minimum and turned up the cocky/funny vibe.  My first date idea was along the lines of shopping for the wedding registry and my profile otherwise was RIDICULOUSLY short.

Apparently cocky/funny with complete lack of information was the ticket, because I went from having a really shitty response rate to a kind of shitty response rate plus a few random girls messaging me.  Messaging ME.  Girls.  Taking initiative.  I knew this “unthorough” profile was the way to go the very first day I put it up.

Cue a number of conversations later and I learned that I needed to be really short and really long with my response times or I’d lose them right away or soon after the first couple messages.  Somewhere in here, a girl that I considered pretty attractive messaged me.  I’ll call her Yoga Girl.  Her pictures were promising.  She obviously was in great shape and while her profile was a bit whimsical, I figured I’d meet her in person and see just what the fuck.  I mean, her pictures were good, but not so good that I figured they were fake.  She looked kind of like this:


I closed rather quickly, letting her know that I was up in the area to meet with a friend (my backup plan) and that I could meet her on a certain day only.  She responded positively and asked if she could meet me in the lobby of a chain store (that has a waiting area) in a strip mall.  I figured a public place made sense, so I rolled with it since it wasn’t too far from my buddy’s place.  What was to come, I could only guess as I’d only really had a date or two experience from this site.

I showed up on time, looking good, smelling good, feeling good.  Contacting her proved difficult as the reception in the store was complete shit.  I tried texting her, then walked away briefly to call her, nothing.  She texted me eventually and said that she was in a certain area close by and if I could just come down that way (basically to an area of the parking garage) as she had to charge her phone.  I figured, “fuck it, I’m just sitting here anyway” and went down that way.  I couldn’t find her.  No reception in the parking garage so I headed back to the store.  I texted her, “you weren’t there so I came back to the store, come by here, I don’t know this area that well.”

Radio silence.

I was pissed.  I had gone to the restroom and otherwise been in this store for the better part of 20 minutes and she had gone radio silent again.  I got up and walked off, crossing the street to get to my car.  I got in my car.  I turned on the engine, half wanting to burn rubber out of there since she wasted my time.

Buzz buzz.

A call from her.  I picked up.  Apologies, she was walking over to where I was.  She was close.  I waited a minute.  Thoughts went through my head.  Is this a prank?  Am I being duped?  Is she just this fucking lame?  What is going on!

I see her in the distance.  She looks good.  She gets closer, she still looks good.  She’s not dressed that sharp, but I guess it’ll work.  She actually looks like her pictures.  She’s pleasant.  She hops in my car and we chat briefly, she explains what happened.  I can’t remember what exactly, but I drove this far, and even if the reasoning isn’t sound for why it’s HALF A FUCKING HOUR after our meeting time, I might as well get a date out of this now that’s she’s here and in my car.

We get on the road, she asks where we’re going, I tell her that I’d picked out this nice little italian place by the sand and the pier that my friend who lives locally recommended.  She’s vegan she says, she was hoping we could go to this great place she knows that has fucking lame ass food this and fucking lame ass food this (that she thinks is cool).  I figure I’ve eaten at Vegan/hippy restaurants before and managed to get some decent food, why the fuck not.  I’m just hungry and I need to sit somewhere and chat and fill my belly, besides, it’s close she says.

She can’t quite remember how to get there.  We almost get lost, but we manage to stumble upon it.  She’s being nice, I can’t be too much of a grouch I tell myself.  As we get to the place, I can start to smell something…something not quite right.  I figure maybe it’s the refuse from the back of the restaurant, maybe the food is really good and it smells nice inside.

We walk inside the plant-y hippy court-yard.  This place looks closed I say to myself inside my head.  WHAT THE FUCK says my brain.  My mouth says, “Uh, are you sure this place is open, it looks closed?”

It’s closed.  There’s people there, they recognize this chick.  They closed 45 minutes ago, they’re just serving the last guests.  She thought they were open another 2 hours.  I’m starving.  I buy a damn hippy cookie.  It’s $5 for this cookie but it’s pretty big.  I figure, why not, it’s gotta be good for $5.

I am disappointed.  Hugely.  It tastes like cardboard smeared in mud.  To it’s credit, the place smelled nice inside, although VERY hippy-ish.  There must’ve been oils and sage and all kinds of crap burning in there.  We get back to my car.  I don’t bother to open her door.  I’m hangry.  She apologizes and swears there’s another place close by.  I don’t care.  I’m going to have this damn date no matter what.

We start driving.  Then it hits me.

That smell.

That smell that had creeped into my nostrils slowly, wafting in like some faraway breeze.  It wasn’t pleasant.  It was funky.  The smell that I thought was the refuse behind the restaurant.  It was coming from her.  IT WAS COMING FROM HER!

“The restaurant, it’s on the way back, I’m sure it’s open, you’ll like it, it’s got…..”

Her words became verbal diarrhea, drifting in and out as I contemplated how to end this offense to my nostrils.  I didn’t want to believe it still.  This was not even on my radar.  She had sunk my battleship.


“You know what, I’m just going to go back to the strip mall and drop you off.  I’m just not feeling that spark.”

“Oh……….”  She was deflated.  Too late she came back with, “Oh….well okay, I understand that, it’s good you said so……………..

and her words faded into nothingness and eventually she stopped talking.  I dropped her off, we exchanged some kind of pleasantries that I really can’t remember, and I BURNED FUCKING RUBBER TO GET OUT OF THERE.

Okay, I just drove off shaking my head, wondering how the hell she couldn’t smell herself.  The drive back was filled with silence, and the smell of body odor/refuse slowly getting worse in my car.  Opening the window had just made it swirl harder into my nostrils. but now I was free.  Windows down, fresh air running across my face, I had escaped.

I called my buddy and asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted from the great sandwich shop around the corner from his place, because oh did I have a story for him.  I FINALLY got something good to eat and shared many a belly laugh in between painful grimaces recounting the story to my friend and his roommate as we sat in his living room with view of the night time sky and the waves crashing down below.  I thought.  THIS is the nature I enjoy.  This is the hippy shit I’m down with.

Body odor/stench?  Not so much ladies.  Not so much.


~ by aneroidocean on 12/06/2012.

4 Responses to “Bad Dates”

  1. So let me just clarify, it was her breath?

    • Well, I can’t tell you for sure, but I’m pretty sure her armpits had something to do with it. If it had been her breath, every time she opened her mouth it would’ve got worse and she was talking the whole time, so that’s pretty unlikely. She was just FUNKY. I wonder if she worked out and had then not showered, or if she just smelled like that because she was a hippy and didn’t believe in deoderant.

      Hell, I think nothing of going a couple days between showers if I haven’t worked out, but at the same time I smell good and I wouldn’t be caught dead smelling like that on a first date.

  2. Ugh. I hate the smell of dirty hippie. I’ve wandered into a few food places that smell like it and it just kills my appetite. Plus they make shitty sandwiches

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