The best thing I never had

I was asked by someone how I came to choose my username, if it was “just because it’s a paradox” and I told him no, that it referred to a girl in my past. I told him it was a story I’d have to find. I couldn’t find it, so I rewrote it:

There was this girl I went to high school with and I was in a class with her. She was the top tier in the class and I was the 2nd tier so our section was directly behind hers. I had a huge crush on this girl. Let’s call her Nicole. Long straight brown hair, lightly olive skin, a pretty face with a beautiful smile that she rarely let out. She chose to cover up a lot. Bulky sweaters and long pants, anything to hide her figure, but she wasn’t fat and had a nice rack, just most people wouldn’t be able to see it.

I was so very attracted to this girl. I had a huge crush on her, but she treated me like a 2nd class citizen. Her and her friend would tease me, sometimes outright ridiculing me, and generally look down on me, despite us having other classes together and supposedly being sorta friends. It was a strange dynamic and so I tried to just let it roll off my shoulders. There was plenty to get me down in high school and I was used to girls not being into me or even teasing/insulting me from time to time (you know how girls can get together and be meant to people. They’ve got the social value so there’s not much to do but just ignore it and move on.

I went through all of high school like this. There were other girls I had crushes on, but this one was the one I had the strongest crush on by far. At some point she grew out of her ugly duckling phase and started to dress in tighter clothing. She even joined the cheerleading squad. I think she saw herself as the black sheep of the cheerleading squad but she was still far more popular than when she’d worn all the dumpy/covered up clothing. Now others saw how attractive she was, but she was still fairly resigned and kept to herself and her long-time friends. She was friends with other people but it seemed she wasn’t that comfortable with the popular kids overall.

I’d forgotten about her at some point after high school when I was dating my 2nd gf, but at some point I started hanging out with the mutual friend (who’d become less of a bitch overall). So much so that I introduced the mutual friend to a guy who would become her eventual husband. We’d all hang out and do nerdy shit like play video games and watch cult movies or tv series. I’d bring my gf to these because she knew and liked them. At some point Nicole started hanging out with the group, invariably never single. We’d tease each other a bit and I had some newfound confidence. I didn’t think at all that she was interested though, as she always had a boyfriend and besides, why would she be attracted to me? She had never given any indication that I picked up on.

At some point after my 2nd gf broke up with me, I was fairly distraught. Nicole had come in and out of my friend group a couple times and she never seemed to have a stable life. I enjoyed seeing her when she was around but didn’t think much of it as she could be gone the next few months just as easily as not. Somehow we connected and she came to visit me. I was a blubbering sobbing mess as I recounted how my relationship had ended and how much I cared for my ex-gf and well…it wasn’t pretty and it’s embarrassing now to think about it. Supremely beta.

She introduced me to a band who at the time was not popular in the USA but now is supremely popular and successful. They were a bit sappy so listening to them fit right in with how I was feeling. Looking back, my vulnerability probably attracted her somehow as she’d had plenty of fucked up things happen in her life and she’d made some serious mistakes..but luckily hadn’t got hit with too many consequences. At some point she’d gotten pregnant and had a kid but didn’t look like she’d had any kids at all. We talked a lot that day and somehow we got on the topic of high school and dating and I admitted to her that I’d had a HUGE crush on her in high school.

She said no way I had a huge crush on YOU in high school and we both just kinda sat there shocked at this revelation. How was it possible we’d both been so into each other and neither of us knew it up until that point? No matter, she had been dating a guy off and on and I had just been broken up with and a blubbery mess. We admitted to each other we were still attracted to each other and I guess that gave us some comfort but we both knew nothing was going to happen at that point. She ended up disappearing for a while again and I shrugged and moved on with my life.

I was working next door to a place that worked on car stereos or something and she called me out of the blue and asked me about it. I told her yeah and she said she was picking up her boyfriend’s car there so we ended up meeting up around the corner from there in a parking garage where we ended up talking for a long time. She was unhappy with her boyfriend, I was single, we eventually started talking about how attracted we were to each other. I could tell she wanted me to kiss her but I didn’t. At some point she was leaning against the car and I said something like, “you know, I just want to…” while letting my whole body fall forward and I stopped myself slamming my hands into the body of the car short of kissing her.

This made her jump and even my dumbass no real game self could tell that she was super excited by that, turned on. She turned a deep red and she said she was scared I was going to kiss her. I told her no, not yet. We went for a walk up to the top of the parking garage and I ended up taking the elevator down with her. I cornered her in the elevator and put my hands out to each wall. I eyed her up and down (now I know this is called “eye-fucking”) and then grabbed her hips, dropped down to a squat, sniffed deep her pussy scent, feeling her crotch super wet through her thin pants/leggings. I eventually pulled us out of the elevator and cut it off before I made out with her because she was crazy wanting to kiss me but begging me not to (as she had a bf).

She told me she couldn’t see me anymore, but we kept in touch here and there. Eventually another mutual friend had a wedding. I invited my hot peruvian neighbor. I knew she’d be there. She was with her boyfriend and looked good. My peruvian neighbor really dressed to the nines and was looking pretty amazing. The ceremony was nice, but at the reception I walked up to my table to realize that Nicole and her boyfriend had been assigned the seats directly next to us. We pretended we were just friends from high school and made chit chat but when the peruvian was gone and her boyfriend too, she leaned over and said “wow, is that your girl?” and I just said “she’s a friend” and she said “well she’s gorgeous.”

When they returned we pretended again to know each other but not. The peruvian was sharp though, she picked up on it despite our solid efforts to hide it. She said, “you know this girl likes you…did you guys date?” and I said no, but admitted to her that we had both been really into each other but always something in the way. She said, “you should pursue her, her boyfriend really? Like, this guy?” and I laughed and played it off. Went to the dance floor later and chopped it up with friends having a great time, Nicole watching from the table, drinking the rare drink. She ended up pretty drunk that night as she hadn’t drank in a long time. Her boyfriend had to bring the car around and walk her to it.

After that night we got together a few times and talked intensely. She was torn as she had a boyfriend but wasn’t really all that happy necessarily. They weren’t having sex or anything as she was religious and so was he. I got the feeling they didn’t even kiss passionately really. She was born again, I imagine he was a virgin or had low experience. He was successful and stable and willing to help raise her kid and get married I imagine.

She loved driving the coast along where I lived at this point. One night she called me and said she was nearby so I met her in a parking lot around the corner from where I lived. We talked, she was missing me. I walked her over to my house as it was cold and we sat on the couch. I probably made her hot tea. We talked in between embracing and eventually she ended up snuggled up against me. I would kiss her hair, her cheek, her neck, but stop short of her lips.

Her lips. She had freckles on her face. Not a ton, but enough. She’d always been ashamed of them and attempted to cover them up with makeup. She had some freckles on her lips too which she’d also always tried to cover up with lip gloss or lipstick. She only had chapstick on this night and hadn’t put any makeup/concealer/whatever on. She had that radiant youthful glow, her lips looked amazing. It was a little too much, a little too close, she excused herself to go use the restroom.

She walked away from me down the length of the couch then as she turned around the end and started walking back across the back of the couch and passed by me something came over me. I reached out with my arm simultaneously stopping her and quickly bringing her over the back of the couch and into my lap where I laid one on her and we passionately kissed. She tasted amazing, her lips soft, full, and freckled. For some reason they made her even more attractive. We didn’t stop kissing for a while. She was wet, I was rock hard. I pulled away and looked at her. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.

I started to make out with her, to slowly seduce her, but she couldn’t wait. As quickly/deftly as I’d somehow stopped her and whisked her into my lap over the back of the couch, she now pushed me down, undid my belt, and was giving me the best blowjob of my life. Her beautiful lips, her pretty smile, her hands and mouth working in concert, I couldn’t have lasted even if I’d wanted to. I came long and hard, she didn’t stop swallowing completely as I shuddered in sensitive ecstasy. She came up and laid her head on my shoulder and I ran my hands through her hair catching my breath.

When I’d relaxed a bit I tried to continue to turn her on and have sex and she wanted to, but she wouldn’t. She was shuddering at my touch but couldn’t bring herself to do it. We talked some more about life and how we got there and then she said she had to go and went. Soon after I came home (or to my car, can’t remember which) and she’d written me a letter. In it she talked about a lot of things but I only remember really the one thing at the end. She didn’t want me to think that she regretted the time we’d spent together and she wasn’t going to continue with her boyfriend, but that she couldn’t be with me. That despite her knowing in her heart that I was a good man, that it wasn’t enough…she wanted to be with a man of god.

It stung. I knew it was a small chance we’d ever be together despite our SUPER INTENSE connection, but it still hurt. It hurt deeply. How could this be? She’d not been perfect, neither had I, but she couldn’t be outside the church as she needed that path despite having deviated from it. I simply did not understand, though. I didn’t lie to her or try to pursue her any further. In fact, I simply didn’t talk to her anymore beyond that. That moment further cemented my pursuit of game. I eventually found the red pill dispensed amongst various places on the internet and slowly learned, increasing my social skills, game, and networking. I improved myself. I moved on.

She would remain, “The best thing I never had.”

~ by aneroidocean on 05/31/2019.

2 Responses to “The best thing I never had”

  1. Awesome post, man.

    I hope you will continuing posting from time to time — it’s been too long.

  2. God, that was extremely well written. I felt really sad at the end – I was rooting for you the entire way. You guys passed each other by, like two ships in the night. Neither knowing how close either of you got to the sun.

    Nothing like heart break and powerlessness in its face to set you a on a long, winding path.

    Thanks for writing that. I hope you consider writing more. I’d read if you did.

    Speaking of which, I hardly read anything these days…or write anything myself.


Leave a Reply to Karl D Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: